Most Days

Most days, it is not too hard.

Now, nearly five months after Theodore was born still, I sometimes do not even think of him until something reminds me.

Like, seeing a picture of a baby or a young child. Or hearing the name. Or hearing of someone who is pregnant or who just had a baby. Or seeing the painting of his feet on the wall or the toys that were bought for him.

Daily things, really.

Sometimes the reminders are not too bad. Maybe a little sad. Occasionally relieved that my baby will not have to suffer through what another baby might.

Sometimes they hit so hard. Like suddenly you’re carrying a rock in your stomach and another on your heart. The heaviness and ache and pain and heart-brokenness of those moments cannot be understood by someone who has not experienced it.

Does that mean I have more understanding – that I “get” grief better?

No.

I do not know the pain of watching parents separate. I do not know the pain of losing a parent. I do not know what it is like to lose practically all my belongings in a housefire.

I can imagine, and I can sympathise, but I do not know.

The pain I know is the pain of losing children. Jeremiah was miscarried. Theodore was stillborn.

I know the pain of burying my baby. Of standing in a cemetery, looking at a plaque with my son’s name on it.

But, the pain is not constant. It is not all day, every day.

It is moments throughout my day, most days.

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One comment

  1. Hard to understand when hard things happen in our life.
    I lost a parent, a mother, at 16yrs it was hard going somehow I managed to survive, though at times I miss my Mum, then when my father died, I felt like an orphan at 60yrs.
    Those grieving feeling can creep up on you unexpected.
    The peace of heart and mind is to be found by comforting your spirit with “This is
    Not the end ” we have a great hope, eternal life, so we will hold our love ones once
    again, that to me is peace of heart mind and spirit.
    Praying that this year will be a year of blessing and grace for you both.y

    Love xx

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